Psychologist’s Advicetop
Georgeta Bondarencu
Psychologist of ACCEPT1. E.N.C. (Bucharest) writes us that he has several problems. First of all, he noticed that he was attracted by men – especially by handsome men – and that after a while, this attraction was disappearing, being replaced by disgust. In the same time, he is afraid that his parents will find out he is gay. As he knows their opinion on homosexuality, he can hardly expect them to be nice and understanding.
His second question regards the conditions in which he can become a member of ACCEPT. He confesses being a little scared, because he doesn’t know anybody and he is afraid of being rejected.
E.N.C.’s third problem seems more complicated: two years ago, “some things” happened. He is not at all proud of these “things” – and lately, some people who know the truth have started threatening him that they will make everything public. His question is: “What should I do? Should I speak about these things myself?”
Answer: Most gays and lesbians from Romania – and from other countries, too – have difficulties in being accepted by their parents, brothers, and relatives of any kind. Many of them avoid disclosing the truth about their sexual orientation and try to hide it by a careful conduct. Others have a lower degree of tolerance to frustration – therefore they cannot bear hiding for a long time. When tensions and feelings of guilt become overwhelming, they usually talk to their parents. Sometimes, this is not the best solution, especially in the case of parents with homophobic views. Of course, telling the truth means no longer feeling guilty because of it – but it can entail a different kind of guilt – that of hurting one’s parents.
Before deciding to come out, we should take into account all benefits and loses of such a disclosure.
As for the “handsome men” you feel attracted to, the fact that you reject them in the end is due to your very need of being love. You don’t mention it in the letter, but I am sure that you already had a relationship – an emotional relation, not just a physical one. Every human need functions as follows: when a person becomes aware of the existence of that need, he/she makes various attempts to satisfy it; if satisfaction is impossible for the moment, it is simply delayed for a later moment. A long-term delay can either exaggerate the need in question, or make it disappear because of a natural defence mechanism. However, this disappearance will generate in its turn frustration and tensions. The same thing happens to you. As you cannot have a relationship with those handsome men you admire and desire, you unconsciously reject them, in order to suppress your need. In the end, you feel empty and bitter – and trust me, things can be different!
As for the possibility of becoming a member of ACCEPT, you can visit us anytime. You shouldn’t be afraid. All those you are afraid of were once in your situation, yet had the courage to come here, to be together, to find all the answers together. Besides, ACCEPT offers various services to its beneficiaries: medical counselling, HIV/AIDS prevention counselling, information and documentation, social activities workshops and – last but not least! – psychological counselling.
Regarding your last question, I haven’t got enough information to help you. If the things you are talking about are so nasty that you are afraid of others’ reaction, tell the people who threaten you that you don’t care if they will become public or not – or tell them you already spread the news. This should lower their interest.
If this doesn’t work, you should consider disclosing the truth yourself. However, as you don’t offer me enough data, maybe you should come to our office, where we could talk about all these in detail.
2. The second letter I will refer to comes from a young couple of lesbians who chose to hide their identity. The girls were shopping in a supermarket, when two men, who were “encouraged” by a woman, verbally and physically attacked them. They say everybody in the neighbourhood – and in the supermarket – knows that they are lesbians.
The girls called the Police after the incident. The policeman who came “advised” them not to make any official claim, because there was already enough information (?). Anyway, they want to know how they should act in such a situation?
Answer: Although your problem is rather a legal one, such an incident always determines psychological problems as well. You write me that you have feelings of fear, even anxiety – which are of course justified; moreover, you see perils everywhere.
You have to understand that in Romania, most people don’t believe gays and lesbians exist at all. Everything they know about sexual minorities comes from media – and we have all seen what newspapers and television have to say about lesbians! Moreover, lesbians seem to threaten society itself – and many men are “offended” by their existence, by the fact that such girls fail to appreciate their masculine qualities. Sometimes, this leads to violence – either verbal or physical.
These situations are always sad. What is even worse is that society will probably generate such reactions for a long time from now on, because prejudices regarding sexual minorities are hard to combat. Just think of the difficulties facing those who try to abolish Article 200 of the Penal Code!
For the future, I would advise you to try to avoid such incidents. However, we can help you on the legal side – just come to our office and we will find together a solution.